Dear Mary - Feeling rejected.

Dear Mary.

I am writing this letter to tell you how you have hurt me and rejected me and to show what I feel.

When we were first got together in 1996 I new you were young and attractive at the time. I had no intent to hurt you but show affection to you. When I found you at the Walla Walla Bulletin I had interest as well as others to get to know you. Bruce who was working at the time liked you a lot and had high interest in you. I did not know if I was going to be the one that you would have interest in that’s why I ask you for your number so I can call you and we can just talk and be friends. What I did not know is that a friend relationship will turn into a sexual one. I thought you were a virgin but little that I new about you I did not know that you had sex with Ray at the Union Bulletin before me. When you told me about ray you had hurt me a lot because you were the first one I have ever had sex with and you put the sexual relationship with Ray as nothing important. You said that you did not feel anything when you had sex with him. I felt that you had lied to me because you did not want me to know that you did have sexual feelings with him and instead if you said to me that you didn’t I would not reject you. But in truth you were covering it up to prevent being hurt by me.

After the relationship went on I did not know what to think of the relationship we had because I had feelings for you and I know you had feeling for me but you tend to think that I was out to hurt you. You told me about your parents as away to show me that you had a bad child hood. You told me about your dad not caring about you when you were small and ignoring you. You told me about the abuse and I accepted it as a problem but did not understand how it affected you until later. I stated to see the relationship troubles right after we got married.

My life was being changed every minute in this relationship we had. You were very dominating and I felt that you were forcing me to love the bad sides of you and accept you the way you are. I realized to late that I couldn’t change who you are and your destiny. I new you felt that I was hurting you by being in a relationship with you because I was not what you wanted in a father or a man. You kept on trying to change me as though you were unhappy with whom I was. You knew about my religion. You knew how I felt about different foods and about alcohol and smoking. My values were different but you still got involved with me.

I know understand and look back in the past and see why I got involved with you. I thought that possible you would change into the person that I could love forever but you sill had those qualities that I began to see as quality that made me frighten for the future. I did no how I could of made the relationship work. I new it was hard but I tried anyway.

We learn from our past to influence our future. I knew of your past and did not tell you of my past because it felt to me that you were out to reject me and I felt that more I told of myself the more I would get hurt. You thought I was keeping something from you because I have never been through the termoil that you have been through. You were looking for dirt to show that we are the same and I have not been through the same thing you have been through. I tried to tell you I have not. But you still wanted me to bring up my childhood history and tell you something bad about me. Honest I did not have as rough of life then you have.

I don’t think we were truly compatible with each other. You were filling a need I had been a need for love and compassion. I told you at one time that I was an only child and I did not have anyone around me that showed me fatherhood. So because I was missing a father I tend to put someone in the place of something I was missing in life. You never filled that place in me that need to be filed because you had holes of despair and suffering in you. You new you married the wrong person from day one and that are why you wanted an annulment. I did not want to divorce because I thought that if I try to make things work I would of accomplish what my dad never had accomplished a father that would be there for them. I did not know that I was following the same pattern my father was following. I was not going to be in my kid’s life because my father was never in mine. So I did not know what else to do then to leave you and the kids because I had no other option to me because I never new that you could not be changed by me but you had to change yourself. I look at it now but I think that I was a fool to think that a Black person from LA would be able to make it with a white person from WA.

Cannot Change anyone but you.

I always knew that I had a chance to help change someone else life but I now know the best place to inflict change is to change yourself.

We tend to put other people as responsible for or life and this has started with Adam and Eve.

Eve took the bite of the fruit that Satan the snake gave her and when god came to her and ask her why she did it. She blamed the snake. Adam ate the fruit that eve gave him. When god talks to Adam about what he did. He blamed Eve.

Chose to blame other for the lack of personal responsibility is very common.

The best thing to do is stop blaming and look at you.

Marriage is a 2way street and thinking that one person is wrong and the other person right shows that 1 person was not full in a relationship because it takes two.

The Past is Gone and what are you working on for the future. I cannot repair the past but learn from it.

I can forgive but not forget but learn to not repeat it.

I have taken the Idea that people can say what they want about me but when it comes to what I am doing in my life and the decision I make. It becomes a person issue. I cannot fix others and blame another is saying that I cannot take responsibility.

See different perspective on things is a way to evaluate Life.

The wrongs I have done are in the past and now its time to concentrate on my future.

I can only work on myself and not others. I can only change myself.

Everyday in my car to and from work I am listening to Joel Olsten or Ron and Nancy Rockey, or Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend and many other biblical ipods.

I go to church every Saturday and pray everyday. I go to a fathers group every week and try to make sure that when I go to work I have a little bible verse I read and get text message of bible verses. I subscribe to biblical Email and try to read them as much as possible. I have been to Seminars on recovery and been evaluated by a psychologist several times.

I have been doing the work on recovery. Today I feel better than before and I live a life were people are praying for my mom and me daily prays for me everyday.

I know my view of reality and know where I stand.

People can blame me for my past but I am on pursuing for my future.

What’s next for me is a Seminar on living a better life by Dr. Henry Cloud attending that on august 16th in California at the Mariners Church. Then a Seminar in September in Valencia with Ron and Nancy Rocky.

I am pursuing my life, as God wants me to Pursue. I work on the blood of Jesus to save me. My sins have been forgiven and I am on my way to victory in Christ.

When you leave a Comment tell me what God has done in your life. If he has not done anything in your life today. What are you going to do to pursue him? Stop Running from Him but towards Him.

Take responsibility of what God can do for you today not tomorrow.