Saturday, November 1, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Freedom and its choices
Freedom, it’s a nice word but we use it to say that we are free from something. Real freedom is based off of choice that we make. I will go back to the story of Adam and Eve.
God gave Adam and Eve freedom to make a Choice on what they were going to do in the Garden of Eden. He told them not to eat of a Tree of good and evil. This was a rightful choice and he warned them if they would eat of the tree they shall surely die. Do we listen to Warnings? No we don’t. We think that we know better than God. So we get snared into thinking that it wont harm us. The Devil the great deceiver let us to think that just try this cigarette or just take this sip of alcohol. Look at me he says I am not dead. Then the devil lies and tells us that God is trying to prevent us from taking this apple because it would enhance our lives. Well we do it and it ending up costing us not instant death but eternity.
I feel the same way about drugs and alcohol. What enhancement does it to do our lives? First it gets us addicted to substances that now we have to take that substance in order to gain normality in our lives. It threatens our lively hood with Christ. That substance becomes more like a God to us. We have to smoke it or drink it on a regular bases. We have a hard problem stopping it because it has taken over out lives.
So what is the Big deal with smoking anyway? If you are a smoker there is no big deal, because this is your substance and you will die doing it. So that might not be a problem for you. It makes you happy even those it kills you in the long run. This is a personal price you pay for that addiction. Trying to stop is hard because of withdrawals and side effects. Some people today wish they would of never started smoking.
I want to say to all those smokers. Star a new addiction to Christ. This addiction does not have a side effect or withdrawal Symptoms it also make sure that you have an ever-lasting life.
How do you get started with this habit? Start picking it up immediately by getting into his word. I suggest getting a pastor to help you get started, you might find out that its better than the drug because you can take it with you were ever you go. Start lighting you life up with its renewal of Gods spirit in your life. I know you will never regret starting this addiction because it would be an enhancement in your life.
God hated Divorce – He Loves you anyway.
God hated Divorce – He Loves you anyway.
I do not want to divorce my wife but I have not because God wants me too. God does not want me to divorce because it deals with the Harding of our hearts.
When I was thinking about divorcing my wife I was thinking about 2 different things. How it would affect the kids and how would it affect our lives.
Divorce is a stab in the heart of Married people. It says that the person you choose to be with for the rest of there life will change. Now a new person has to be involved in the lives of 2 people that were once together.
I want to take total responsibility in this divorce. My sinful life has brought this turmoil unto myself. I chose my wife as a wife out of my own selfish nature. I could have thought about things clearly but I did not. I hope the best for her.
My wife’s goal was not divorce; she wanted to be married to a loving husband that will give her unconditional love. She wanted a person would chose to not care what she says our does and give her freedom.
When I met my wife I had a feeling that it might come to this point in our lives because I was the one trying so hard to be in this relationship. Reason for it is sex, love and companionship. I did not like the abuse; I did not like the emotional hurt. I did not care for the evil that was involved in the marriage,
My wife’s goal I felt at first was always to change me, and looking back at the past if felt change was based on how she feels a person should act or feel. When I did no change for her she got angry and began to resent that she ever married me. I think she was unaware that I was unhappy these years because I wanted a family and wanted her but I did not want the issues that were related to her anger and baggage of her past.
When I was first separated from my wife in 2007 I began to see how much I miss her. We were not married a long time. I wanted to not file for divorce at the time because I thought that I could make it work. I wanted her back because of several reasons. I wanted to be part of my 4 kid’s life and I thought that if I was still married I can spend time with them more. Sex was great and I enjoyed it. I thought we had sexual chemistry because we enjoyed each other sexually and third she made me feel loved when it was not an abusive situation.
I understand more of what I did wrong and how much my wife and I were not much of a couple but were people with issues. She was trying to make me into something I could not be and I was trying to make her into something she could not be. My personal view of being together for Kids sake was not a good value. Kids need a mother and father but a health one and the kids never had to psychologically health people taking care of them.
I was not a good role model for my kids. I have just showed them the way of dealing with your problems is to run away from them. I did not know how to solve the issue s in my marriage without escaping from it first. Now I has escaped and started reading about good marriages I understand that we did not have a good marriage.
My wife and I did not know how to make our marriage a success. We were self-centered on our personal desires in the relationship. I want this and I want that mentality. I felt that we began to personalize things such as this is what I am doing and it does not involve you. This made us feel as though we need to hide our emotions from each other.
My wife had quit smoking for a while and she began to see me being happy but the nicotine addiction was so over powering for her that she just could not stop. I could not help her because I was dealing with my work alcoholic issues.
The reason I was working so much was because I could not be at home and deal with her abuse or smoking. I felt that it was affecting my life, because of how I valued the relationship.
Codependence is what they call it. Letting a person do what ever they want and instead of them dealing with the consequence of there addiction or problems, you hamper them. My wife felt that when I said no to her not smoking was a form of abuse. In her eyes she can do what ever she wants and it should not affect anyone. People need to just live with her no matter what she does, me being a non-smoker and drinker and not caring to do it. It mattered to me but I could not express how it made me feel at times. Now I can say that the times she did do the smoking it felt as if she was slapping me in the face and telling me that she has no value in our lives together. Its like watching a person stab themselves you know its wrong and you know it needs to stop but the person that is doing the stabbing does not care. They say that it does not hurt but even thought you see blood, but in there mind it is what they need to get over the issues they are having.
I know that I could not solve her issues but by leaving. I cannot change the issues that she had to deal with such as struggles with smoking and alcohol.
I am glad that even because I left this marriage, God Still loves me.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Dear Mary - Feeling rejected.
I am writing this letter to tell you how you have hurt me and rejected me and to show what I feel.
When we were first got together in 1996 I new you were young and attractive at the time. I had no intent to hurt you but show affection to you. When I found you at the Walla Walla Bulletin I had interest as well as others to get to know you. Bruce who was working at the time liked you a lot and had high interest in you. I did not know if I was going to be the one that you would have interest in that’s why I ask you for your number so I can call you and we can just talk and be friends. What I did not know is that a friend relationship will turn into a sexual one. I thought you were a virgin but little that I new about you I did not know that you had sex with Ray at the Union Bulletin before me. When you told me about ray you had hurt me a lot because you were the first one I have ever had sex with and you put the sexual relationship with Ray as nothing important. You said that you did not feel anything when you had sex with him. I felt that you had lied to me because you did not want me to know that you did have sexual feelings with him and instead if you said to me that you didn’t I would not reject you. But in truth you were covering it up to prevent being hurt by me.
After the relationship went on I did not know what to think of the relationship we had because I had feelings for you and I know you had feeling for me but you tend to think that I was out to hurt you. You told me about your parents as away to show me that you had a bad child hood. You told me about your dad not caring about you when you were small and ignoring you. You told me about the abuse and I accepted it as a problem but did not understand how it affected you until later. I stated to see the relationship troubles right after we got married.
My life was being changed every minute in this relationship we had. You were very dominating and I felt that you were forcing me to love the bad sides of you and accept you the way you are. I realized to late that I couldn’t change who you are and your destiny. I new you felt that I was hurting you by being in a relationship with you because I was not what you wanted in a father or a man. You kept on trying to change me as though you were unhappy with whom I was. You knew about my religion. You knew how I felt about different foods and about alcohol and smoking. My values were different but you still got involved with me.
I know understand and look back in the past and see why I got involved with you. I thought that possible you would change into the person that I could love forever but you sill had those qualities that I began to see as quality that made me frighten for the future. I did no how I could of made the relationship work. I new it was hard but I tried anyway.
We learn from our past to influence our future. I knew of your past and did not tell you of my past because it felt to me that you were out to reject me and I felt that more I told of myself the more I would get hurt. You thought I was keeping something from you because I have never been through the termoil that you have been through. You were looking for dirt to show that we are the same and I have not been through the same thing you have been through. I tried to tell you I have not. But you still wanted me to bring up my childhood history and tell you something bad about me. Honest I did not have as rough of life then you have.
I don’t think we were truly compatible with each other. You were filling a need I had been a need for love and compassion. I told you at one time that I was an only child and I did not have anyone around me that showed me fatherhood. So because I was missing a father I tend to put someone in the place of something I was missing in life. You never filled that place in me that need to be filed because you had holes of despair and suffering in you. You new you married the wrong person from day one and that are why you wanted an annulment. I did not want to divorce because I thought that if I try to make things work I would of accomplish what my dad never had accomplished a father that would be there for them. I did not know that I was following the same pattern my father was following. I was not going to be in my kid’s life because my father was never in mine. So I did not know what else to do then to leave you and the kids because I had no other option to me because I never new that you could not be changed by me but you had to change yourself. I look at it now but I think that I was a fool to think that a Black person from LA would be able to make it with a white person from WA.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Cannot Change anyone but you.
We tend to put other people as responsible for or life and this has started with Adam and Eve.
Eve took the bite of the fruit that Satan the snake gave her and when god came to her and ask her why she did it. She blamed the snake. Adam ate the fruit that eve gave him. When god talks to Adam about what he did. He blamed Eve.
Chose to blame other for the lack of personal responsibility is very common.
The best thing to do is stop blaming and look at you.
Marriage is a 2way street and thinking that one person is wrong and the other person right shows that 1 person was not full in a relationship because it takes two.
The Past is Gone and what are you working on for the future. I cannot repair the past but learn from it.
I can forgive but not forget but learn to not repeat it.
I have taken the Idea that people can say what they want about me but when it comes to what I am doing in my life and the decision I make. It becomes a person issue. I cannot fix others and blame another is saying that I cannot take responsibility.
See different perspective on things is a way to evaluate Life.
The wrongs I have done are in the past and now its time to concentrate on my future.
I can only work on myself and not others. I can only change myself.
Everyday in my car to and from work I am listening to Joel Olsten or Ron and Nancy Rockey, or Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend and many other biblical ipods.
I go to church every Saturday and pray everyday. I go to a fathers group every week and try to make sure that when I go to work I have a little bible verse I read and get text message of bible verses. I subscribe to biblical Email and try to read them as much as possible. I have been to Seminars on recovery and been evaluated by a psychologist several times.
I have been doing the work on recovery. Today I feel better than before and I live a life were people are praying for my mom and me daily prays for me everyday.
I know my view of reality and know where I stand.
People can blame me for my past but I am on pursuing for my future.
What’s next for me is a Seminar on living a better life by Dr. Henry Cloud attending that on august 16th in California at the Mariners Church. Then a Seminar in September in Valencia with Ron and Nancy Rocky.
I am pursuing my life, as God wants me to Pursue. I work on the blood of Jesus to save me. My sins have been forgiven and I am on my way to victory in Christ.
When you leave a Comment tell me what God has done in your life. If he has not done anything in your life today. What are you going to do to pursue him? Stop Running from Him but towards Him.
Take responsibility of what God can do for you today not tomorrow.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
June 29 My Personal 1yr. Celebration.
I am so glad I am alive today and feel better because the changes I have made by the help of almighty God.
Before I left my wife of 10 years and Left because I had to stop the mental anguish. Before I left I was thinking about suicide and death because I was so unhappy. Today I am Happy and fell better than I have before because I changed my life around.
Going through the struggles I have been through there must be a god, because what have I have experienced and felt in the last year has made me feel that I am a live for a reason.
No one has ever experience the feeling of low self worth that I have felt. The Hidden believe that no matter what till death do you part was a motto and death road I was on.
I have been living a life of extreme punishment. Not feeling that a person loved me even though they said it but kept me feeling that I need to be put down punished for the life I want to live.
I wanted to live my life smoke free and drug free, I have accomplished a victory of recovery through Christ that I have never felt before.
Recovery Based on the pursuit to be better by help of ministries of book and seminar showing me that I can do better by getting out of the self defeating depression. Taking a view that showed me that the evil that I was dealing with in my life can be changed though the trust in Jesus Christ to direct through his work and through different ministry that showed me that I can accomplish so much in a year.
Antidepressant Drugs --- Over Come through change in mental attitude.
Sleeping Pills --- don’t have to take anymore, concentrating on the bible before going to bed.
Suicide ---- no more. I have a reason for living.
Abuse – Con not tolerate. I am a child of God. Wonderfully made not to be hit.
Punishment – Learning to deal with consequences – put my trust in him.
Poor Mental Attitude --- Change the mental thinking in my head to be positive.
Divorce – God Hates. But got forgives, we all falter and make mistakes. Bring good out of a bad situation.
Today is a celebration of a life of recovery. Change does not stop here. I am hoping and praying for another good year of change.
Some people celebrate births, anniversaries, graduations, and weddings. But today I am celebrating a course toward Recovery. Happy June 29th for a new life and a start of a changed Life. Cannot wait to go through another year of accomplishments.
A Screwed up life with a sexual addition.
My name is Larry Collins and I was born in Saint Vincent a little Island in the Caribbean. I moved to America when I was four and lived with my Aunt Vanita Williams. My Aunt is a mentally strong woman that is truthful and honest. When I was growing up I was Punished with spanking but never abused Physically. When I got a little bit older I moved in with my mom. My Aunt took care of me because my mom couldn’t. My aunt is a second mother to me.
My aunt works at a girl’s home rehabilitating girls who have troubled pass back into society. She has been working there for over 20 years. My cousin Bernie has a master’s degree in education and is a teacher in the public school system. She also tutors after school kids. My family had me in Christian school for most part of my life. My Aunt knows girls very well. She told he before I married Mary that she has been abused and I should not Mary her and I did not take her advice.
During my young teen years I got into pornography. I began looking at Nude magazines, reading books about sex and surfing Sexually explicit sites and Masturbating. I had an addiction to sexual things but never had sex until I met Mary. Before I met Mary I was a virgin and I had 3 other girlfriends but never had sex with them. I had the urges but never did it.
My wife Mary and I met in summer of 1996, I was working at Walla Walla Union Bulletin Newspaper as a Newspaper inserter and she was working delivering the newspaper. Also I was working at Walla Walla College as an instructor for desktop publishing during the school year.
I gave Mary my number ad she gave me hers and we started talking over the phone and decided to start dating.
I went over Mary apartment to watch a move one night. After we watched the move we had Sex. She was my first sexual partner. I wanted to save myself for marriage and the opportunity for sex at age 26 was there so I took it, that was a bad decision and I regret it now. After I lost my Virginity that night I felt so bad. I was thinking to myself that I had promised myself that I will only have sex with the person I was married to and I had sex early.
After this First sexual experience it became important to me that I had to have sex with Mary every night and everyday. After sexual months of having sex with her for so long we both decide we should get married so we would not continue to have sex and then possible have a baby out of wedlock. We have 4 kids and during 10 years of marriage be did not use birth control. That means we had a kid almost every 2 years.
During a great sexual experience with Mary I began to believe that she wanted sex with me all the time. One morning like other mornings we woke up in bed together. I assume that she wanted to have sex with me. So we did, bur to my dismay later on I found out that she did not want to have sex when she bit me on the Ear. This was odd to me. She said that I raped her. I had no idea because we were having sex every morning and night for weeks and she never said stop during the experience. This was the first time I saw her angry. She was going to end the relationship but I plead for her forgiveness and me made up.
My wife and I were married 6 months later. During courtship time we had a few problems in the relationship and I loved her so much I wanted to make things work. After we married she said she wanted an annulment, asked why she wanted to divorce me. She said she felt that she married the wrong person. I have always tried to make the marriage work. I did not want to divorce because I thought that if I married someone it was for life.
When I met Mary's family I felt that I probably made a bad choice in marrying her but I stuck in there I tried not to Divorce.
Mary Mom Gloria and Father Orville were people I was not use too.
I grew up in family were I never went fishing and hunting and shot guns. Mary while we were married told me about her abusive parents. Mary told me how her mom would beater here with objects other that a belt such as a piece of iron from the fireplace. She also told me about the abuse other siblings had gone through. In therapy she admitted to seeing her mom beat her little brother until he was bloody and she wanted to kill her mom.
Going over her parent’s house I saw the mom and dad tell the kids to fight and beat the other person. Jamie her sister and Michael her brother were fighting and no one stopped them. Mary’s mom would lock the kid’s doors because the dad would go in the girl’s room and at one point had molested a foster kid. The dad was never put in jail or arrested. He was a Guard in the Pen in Walla Walla. He got out of the situation because no one wanted to tell what happened because of fear. The Father Orville had sexual abused Mary while I was married to her. We were living in the basement of their house and he went down there and decided to sexually feel on my wife. I told Mary's mom about it and Mary was distressed about the situation. Mary’s Mom just warned Orville but not occurred after that situation.
I never grew up with abuse; so being in an abusive family is weird for me.
One form of abuse Mary did when we were first married created fear in me. Mary would be driving and I would be in the passenger seat and Mary would be angry with me for not paying attention to her so she would just whale out and hit me on my arm and I told her to stop. She would keep on hitting me until I hit her back.
I wanted to make the marriage work, I was tired of the abuse and I wanted it stopped and I thought going to therapy would help. So I went to marriage counseling with her. Mary went to counseling to fix me and not help her. The marriage counselor said I was very passive and Mary was aggressive, This Marriage counseling occurred in 2000. Counselor also told Mary she needs to stop hitting me. She did not want to go to therapy because she believes the therapy was swaying my way. After that therapy ended we he was still hitting me and throwing things at me. I did not want to abuse Mary; at times I would grab her wrist to stop her from hitting me. She always told me I need to be punished and I was so frustrated at how she could be putting me down and hurting so much. This was a nightmare marriage and I was stuck in it. I began to live my life with the abuse.
Mary one time through a dirty diaper at me because she said I deserve it. I was keeping so much inside from years of abuse until one day when she verbally abused me I though a bowl of salad at her. Some of the salad went on my son. The salad affected her eye and almost caused permanent eye damage. After I through the salad she attacked me and scratched my arms. That Started a Situation that led to a restraining order on both sides. I was arrested for domestic violence and breaking a restraining order. I broke the restraining order because I wanted to patch things up with her and continue with the marriage. So I violated the restraining order because I loved her so much I wanted to make things work.
Because of the anger feelings I went into therapy and through therapy I found that people don't make me angry and I need to control it. I also when to Sexual Addiction Anonymous group to deal with my sexual addiction and it helped he out a lot. Mary and I got back together 4 months later. We filed for separation before we got back together. I thought that the Marriage was over. Daphne was born when I was separated from my wife.
I did not want to loose my family. I have been fighting to keep this marriage because I love my wife and want to be with my kids so I put up with abuse.
Lets jump to a year ago. A year ago my life changed completely. Before I continue I should let you Know about Mary's sisters. Mary's sister Jamie is a drug addict. She was using drugs while she was pregnant with her child her was taken away do to her abuse and drug use. She married a felon who has also a level 1 Sexual offender. Mary a year ago decides to let her sister come up and live with us. I said ok but I was hesitant. I did not like her sister because of things that she did to marry like steal money from her. Jamie convinced Mary into buying a lot of alcohol and smoking. My wife started smoking at age 29 almost 30. Then Mary's sister wanted to bring her husband up. I did not want him to live with us in the Seattle area. He came up by himself. He was drunken everyday and this affected my kids because he was drinking around the kids. Before I he came up. Mary attacked me when I said something about her sister I did want her in my house. So Mary attacked me by holding he down and choking my neck and saying that I never talk to her sister like that. I was scared that she would attack me again if I told her no.
During that time she got more violent. I purchased an ipod with out her approval so she decides to beat me with a fly swatter on my back. I was trying to get away from her. I left the apartment because I did not want to get hurt anymore. I was fearful to call the police because she has threatened me and scared me not to call the police. I have always wanted to be there because I wanted my kids to see a person that is not into drinking and smoking but in to a better life.
I have left the apartment several times because of abuse. My counselor told me that if she gets abusive I should leave. I keep coming back because she said she would change and she would tell the kids to tell daddy to come back. She knows that I love the kids. I just kept coming back because of the kids over and over again.
Dylan was taken out of school because he had ADD and he was depressed when he went to school. Also the teacher at the school spanked him and that affected him as well.
If you check my son Dylan he has a problem with scratching him self all over his legs and arms. I have a cousin in Canada named Jason that had the same problem. His mother was a manic depressive person and my aunt took him to a psychologist and they helped him stop the starching. Now my cousin is gay. Because of what he went through in life affected him deeply.
I try to protect my kids from abuse, I am abused myself in this relationship. It is going to take years of therapy to fix this abusive problem I have been through.
My personality is very passive and I am working on being not passive and my therapist has been working with me on Boundaries. I have improved a little bit but I have a long way to go.
You are trying to understand why I left 4 kids with my wife when she is abusive. I left my wife June 29 because I was tired from working a long day and I need some sleep. Well would not let me sleep so I told her that I would leave and sleep somewhere else? She would not let me leave because she had to have a cigarette. I began to believe that he smoking was more important. So when she went out for a smoke I left and I never came back. Mary had told me before that she new I did not like the smoking so she use it to hurt me because she new it effected me. I did control me. I could not go to church on time until she had a smoke. Unless she had a smoke life would revolve around her. So I felt that smoking was controlling her and she was controlling my life. So I felt that the smoking was controlling the kid’s life. I wanted Godly control but I did not know how to establish it because I did not know about how to set boundaries.
I am getting help and I am going to fight this abuse that my wife has done to me and I would be able to be with my kids and they can see a happy wholesome God loving person.
Think about this I have a hard time functioning in my job. I still shake when I here her voice because her verbal abuse. People in Los Angeles that are my longtime friends are wondering why I cant relax.
She has screwed my brain up and I need help. Please help my kids because I don't want them to affect like I was through this marriage. I wish you would of known me before I met my wife, you would see a College graduate that is happy. Instead I am taking antidepressant do to depression and sleeping pills. Because I can't sleep. If this woman did not screw up my mind I would be more then happy to protect my children because I love them.
My wife as involved herself with Tina and another friend who are working with her. Tina got her back into doing things I did not agree with. I would come home and see her kids and my kids sleeping together constantly. Mary would go drinking over Tina’s house and leave me with the kids. She would act like she is young girl enjoying a time when she does not have kids.
What is happening in my life today is that I have gotten over my sexual addiction and through counseling and listening to boundary tapes I have learned that by me not setting boundaries I have led to part of this divorce experience. I am praying more and reading my bible I am pursuing Jesus Christ in my life and attending church regular. I am going to Seminars based on Boundaries and trying to understand what I did wrong. I still hope that something can be done about the marriage but is to late. I understand that this divorce is not wanted but it might be the best for both of us but bad for the kids. There is nothing I can do at this point instead of working of myself to make my life better and by prayer and trusting in God, he would carry me through this. I rededicated myself to him so he can direct my life so something like what I have been through will not happen in the future. In my heart I have forgiven Mary for what she done to me. It’s not her fault she has been through a bad childhood so this is not originally what she wanted in the future. She wanted a happy marriage like I did and not divorce. I think that God has plans for Mary and he has plans for me. My kids we have problems in the future but I trust God to give me the strength to handle them. I thank god for this charecter building experience. Please pray for Mary and the Kids so they can have a good future with Gods help. Because God loves Mary and the kids and He loves me too and I know that since he has brought me to this point in life I know that he had plans for prosperity for my family and me.
God Bless.
